Never argue with an idiot. The people watching might not know the difference.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
When you're laying in bed at night looking up at the stars, don't panic when you suddenly wonder "Where the Hell is the ceiling?!"
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the asshole upside the head.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Just remember........if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but giggle when you see one tumble down the stairs.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is buy a replacement.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole!
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you've just made it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Your mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
Sometimes you'll think you understand everything, then you'll regain consciousness.
A day without sunshine is like.................well, night.
Seen it all, done it all...........can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword..........get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof.............to a sufficiently talented fool.
Everybody lies........but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who think there are two kinds of people in this world and those who don’t.